Embracing Imperfection: A Journey Through Perfectionism
Perfectionism often sounds like something to be proud of. After all, who wouldn’t want to get everything right, every time? But if you’ve ever lived inside the mind of a perfectionist, you’ll know it’s less about being flawless and more about living in a constant state of pressure, fear, and never feeling “enough.”
Here’s the paradox: perfectionism doesn’t mean you are perfect—it means you are endlessly chasing something unattainable. It’s like running on a treadmill that never stops, always striving harder, but never arriving.
What Is Perfectionism, Really?
At its core, perfectionism is a belief system and coping style. It tells us: “If I do everything perfectly, then I’ll finally be safe, accepted, or worthy.” On the surface, it can drive high standards, neat work, and excellence. But underneath, it’s often fuelled by fear—fear of judgment, failure, rejection, or even of our own self-criticism.
The “deer trap” of perfectionism is that no matter how much we achieve, the bar moves higher. Done is never good enough. Recognition doesn’t land. And so the cycle continues.
Why Do We Strive for Perfection?
Perfectionism doesn’t come from nowhere. It grows out of deep psychological mechanisms and life experiences.
I remember vividly the first time I realised how strong my perfectionist streak was. I was twelve, standing by my desk in the classroom, holding an essay I had worked on for hours. My teacher gave it back with a small red correction on the last page. That was it—just a misplaced comma. But rather than feeling proud of the effort and praise I did receive, all I could see was the error. My chest tightened, and I promised myself: “Next time, it will be flawless.”
That small moment sums up the bigger picture for many of us: perfectionism isn’t about a love of excellence, but about a fear of mistakes.
Here are some of the places it can come from:
The need for excellence: Striving for mastery is natural—but when excellence mixes with fear, the drive becomes relentless. Instead of motivating, it becomes exhausting.
Upbringing in harsh or critical environments: If parents or teachers mostly highlighted flaws (“Why didn’t you get an A+ instead of an A?”), you may have learned mistakes equal failure.
Absent or overly busy caregivers: If attention or affection felt hard to come by, excelling may have become your way of earning visibility.
Too little or too much praise: Both ends of the spectrum can plant seeds—either constantly chasing the approval you never got, or living under impossibly high expectations.
Imperfection never being modelled: If the adults around you never admitted to struggles or mistakes, you may have grown up thinking that imperfection was shameful.
Cultural and gender norms: Many cultures prize relentless achievement. Add gender expectations—such as the “effortless” competence demanded of women or the stoic competence demanded of men—and perfectionism becomes a way of surviving social rules.
When we put these factors together, perfectionism begins to look less like a personal flaw and more like a learned survival strategy. And survival strategies make sense—even if they no longer serve us well.
How Do We Begin to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip?
Overcoming perfectionism doesn’t mean swinging to the other extreme of “not caring.” It’s about finding a middle ground where effort, growth, and compassion can live together. Some strategies that can help:
Examine your self-critical thoughts.
Notice the content and helpfulness of beliefs like, “I need to give 120% every time.” Is this pushing you toward growth—or burning you out? Experiment with replacing it with, “80% is still good, and leaves me energy for other things.”Practice mindfulness and self-compassion.
Instead of automatically believing the perfectionist voice, pause and observe it. Mindfulness helps us notice thoughts without fusing with them, and self-compassion allows us to speak to ourselves the way we would to a friend: with kindness and encouragement, rather than criticism.Try exposure to imperfection.
Behavioural experiments can loosen the fear of mistakes. For example:Send an email with a spelling mistake and notice that the world doesn’t end.
Show up to a meeting without over-preparing and observe that people still value your contributions.
These small acts of imperfection can help rewire the brain to see mistakes as survivable—sometimes even freeing.
Reframe success.
Rather than asking, “Was it perfect?” try, “Was it meaningful?” or “Did I learn something?”
Final Thoughts
Perfectionism can feel like a life sentence, but it’s really just a set of habits and beliefs—and habits can change. By gently challenging these patterns, modelling imperfection for ourselves and others, and leaning into compassion, we can step off the treadmill and begin to experience the relief of being human—messy, creative, and wonderfully imperfect.
Further Reading & Resources
Kristin Neff – Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
Brené Brown – The Gifts of Imperfection
Paul Hewitt & Gordon Flett – Perfectionism: A Relational Approach to Conceptualization, Assessment, and Treatment
