Relationship Series: Our Needs
Let’s be honest—when was the last time you told your partner exactly what you needed, plainly and openly? No sighs, no hints, no simmering silence. Just the truth.
Most of us don’t do this very often. Needs feel risky. They bring up fears: “What if I ask and they don’t care?” or “What if they leave?” Yet our needs are at the core of every relationship. They’re not luxuries—they’re the building blocks of connection.
So let’s unpack what “needs” really are, why they’re hard to voice, how our childhood shapes them, and how couples can navigate the inevitable collisions that happen when two human beings share a life.
What Do We Mean by “Needs”?
Needs aren’t the same as wants. Wants are preferences. A want might sound like, “I’d love sushi for dinner.” A need runs deeper: “I need to feel cared for and not taken for granted.”
Needs are tied to our survival—emotional and physical. We need safety, acceptance, respect, affection, belonging, independence, meaning. When these aren’t met, we feel it—sometimes as loneliness, irritability, anxiety, or resentment.
The tricky part? Unlike hunger or thirst, emotional needs aren’t always obvious. You might feel restless after a long day and binge-watch a whole series on Netflix. But what if the true need was for connection, touch, or honest conversation?
✨ Try this: Next time you catch yourself numbing out with TV, food, or scrolling, pause and ask: What need am I trying to meet right now?
Early Needs and Attachment Styles
Our ability to recognize and express needs starts in childhood. If we were cared for consistently—fed when hungry, comforted when scared—we learned that our needs matter. If not, we developed workarounds.
Psychologists call these patterns attachment styles:
Secure attachment: If our early caregivers were reliable, we generally grow up comfortable with both closeness and independence. Example: “I feel stressed today, can we talk?” It feels safe to ask.
Anxious attachment: If care was inconsistent, we may grow up craving reassurance and fearing abandonment. Example: sending ten texts if our partner hasn’t replied. We don’t just want closeness—we need it to feel okay.
Avoidant attachment: If we learned that expressing needs didn’t help, we may decide, “I can only rely on myself.” As adults, that can mean shutting down during conflict or avoiding emotional conversations.
Disorganized attachment: If care was frightening or unpredictable, we may end up caught between craving intimacy and fearing it. Example: reaching out one moment, then suddenly withdrawing.
None of these styles are fixed. But they explain why one person easily asks for a hug, while another feels suffocated by the same request.
✨ Try this: Reflect on your childhood experiences. Were your needs usually met, sometimes ignored, or often dismissed? How might that shape the way you show up in relationships today?
Why It’s Hard to Name Our Needs
Even as adults, many of us struggle to identify what we need. Why?
Fear of rejection: “If I say it out loud and they ignore me, that will hurt more than staying quiet.”
Cultural conditioning: Maybe you were taught it’s selfish to put yourself first.
Habit: If you’ve always numbed or distracted yourself, your true needs may be buried under surface-level cravings.
So we do what’s easier. We avoid. We distract. We scroll, shop online, binge-watch, overwork. Or we slip into less helpful strategies:
Passive-aggression: “It’s fine. Do whatever you want.” (When it’s clearly not fine.)
Demanding or threatening: “If you don’t do this, maybe we shouldn’t even be together.”
The real need stays hidden, while conflict grows.
✨ Try this: When you feel frustrated, instead of asking “What’s wrong with them?”, ask: What do I actually need in this moment?
When Needs Collide
Let’s take a common scenario.
Alex loves spending weekends with family. Jordan, their partner, needs downtime to recharge after a busy week. Saturday morning arrives. Alex suggests brunch with the parents. Jordan groans, wanting nothing more than to curl up with a book.
Neither is wrong. But without communication, this can spiral: Alex feels rejected, Jordan feels pressured. Resentment brews.
This is where relationships ask for maturity and empathy. It might mean Jordan says, “I need a quiet morning, but I’d be glad to join you for dinner later.” Alex respects that, and both needs are fulfilled.
The alternative? Co-dependency (where one person’s needs always eclipse the other’s) or control (clinging so tightly that both feel suffocated).
✨ Try this: Think of a time when your need clashed with a partner’s. Did you compromise, or did one of you “win”? What could have made it feel fairer?
Stress Makes It Harder
Even couples who usually navigate needs well can stumble under stress. Moving house, raising kids, health scares, money worries, or pressure from extended family—all of these shrink our patience and magnify unmet needs.
That’s when a small difference (“I need quiet” vs. “I need company”) can feel like a huge betrayal. Stress makes us regress to old patterns—clinginess, withdrawal, arguments over small things.
✨ Try this: If you’re under pressure right now, ask yourself: Is the conflict really about what it seems, or is it about a deeper unmet need?
How to Respond to These Challenges
So, what do we do? Here’s one answer: what if we simply said what we meant?
Instead of hints, avoidance, or blow-ups, we take the risk of naming the need:
“I’m exhausted and need a quiet night.”
“I’m feeling insecure and could use a little reassurance.”
“I need more quality time with you to feel connected.”
It feels vulnerable, yes. But it’s also honest. And honesty opens the door to compromise. Sometimes, your partner will meet that need. Sometimes, they can’t. Either way, speaking it aloud allows for understanding instead of resentment.
✨ Try this: Practice saying one small, specific need out loud to your partner this week. Notice how it feels in your body—scary, relieving, freeing?
A Balancing Act
Relationships are about constant compromise. They ask us to give of ourselves for the sake of what we share. But here’s the balance: if we give everything, we lose ourselves. If we only look inward, we lose the bond.
Healthy love means keeping a vital part of yourself intact, while also being willing to bend and stretch for the other. It’s delicate. It’s hard work. And it takes two.
✨ Try this: Ask yourself: Am I giving too much of myself away—or holding too much back?
And If You’re Struggling…
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it feels impossible to break old patterns. That’s where professional help can step in. Couples therapy isn’t about proving who’s right or wrong. It’s about creating space to uncover what each of you really needs, and finding ways to meet those needs without losing yourself in the process.
Because in the end, love isn’t about erasing your needs to keep someone happy. It’s about learning to voice them, respect them, and balance them—together.
👉 So, what if this week you tried pausing the next time you felt restless, irritable, or shut down, and asked yourself: What do I really need right now? And then—here’s the hard part—share that with your partner.
It might feel scary. But it just might be the bridge to deeper intimacy.
