The Hidden Costs of Comparing Ourselves to Others – And How to Break Free
It starts so quietly you almost don’t notice. You’re scrolling through your feed after a long day, cup of tea in hand, when you see it: a friend on holiday in Bali, glowing in the sunset. A colleague posting about their promotion. A celebrity showing off a “casual” flawless morning routine. In a split second, the thought creeps in: why am I not like that?
This reflexive comparison is so common that it feels almost automatic. For a brief moment, it might light a spark of motivation—maybe I should try harder, maybe I could achieve that too. But more often, it leaves us feeling smaller, less capable, and a little bit lost. The truth is, comparing ourselves to others isn’t harmless background noise—it carries hidden costs for our mental health and self-worth.
Let’s take a gentle look at why we compare, how it ties into self-esteem, and most importantly, how we can free ourselves from this trap.
What is Low Self-Esteem?
Low self-esteem is more than a passing moment of doubt. It’s a deeper, heavier feeling—a persistent sense that we’re somehow inadequate, unworthy, or broken. For people living with it, life can feel like walking with a hidden weight.
Signs often show up in everyday moments:
Judging yourself far more harshly than you’d judge anyone else.
Shrinking away from compliments, as if they don’t “count.”
Worrying excessively about how others see you.
This isn’t just personality quirks—it’s an inner dialogue shaped over years. And for many, it traces back to childhood.
Where It Comes From
Children who grow up surrounded by criticism or a lack of validation often absorb the message that they’re “not enough.” Experiences like bullying, neglect, or trauma reinforce that message. Even environments that seem “normal”—say, a family or school that puts heavy emphasis on achievement or appearance—can plant seeds of insecurity.
Later in life, these seeds can sprout in moments of stress. A breakup, losing a job, or facing health problems can stir up old doubts.
Research shows that low self-esteem is closely linked with anxiety and depression. It also shows up often in neurodiverse individuals—those with ADHD or autism, for example—who grow up hearing they’re “different.” Over time, this feedback loop strengthens the belief that something is wrong with them, even when that’s not true.
Why We Compare
So why do we compare in the first place? Surprisingly, it’s not just vanity—it’s survival. Our brains evolved to constantly scan the group: Am I doing okay? Do I belong? Am I safe here?
Comparison is one way we try to measure our worth. Sometimes it looks like reassurance-seeking, sometimes it’s craving admiration, and sometimes it’s checking how we measure up. It’s also mirrored back to us in culture: celebrities and influencers curate their images for approval. Deep down, they’re doing what we all do—looking for validation.
But here’s the catch: this way of finding worth is fragile. If it’s built on someone else’s approval, it can disappear in an instant.
The Role of Social Media
Social media has poured fuel on the comparison fire. Platforms are carefully designed to keep us hooked, rewarding us with likes and notifications. But they also amplify self-comparison in damaging ways.
Studies—including Meta’s own internal research—show that Instagram and similar platforms increase rates of low self-esteem and depression in young people, especially teenage girls. Why? Because people don’t post their full lives—they post the highlight reels.
Behind every perfect beach photo may be an argument, financial stress, or loneliness. But the camera never shows that. Comparing ourselves to these curated fragments is like comparing our unedited, behind-the-scenes footage to someone else’s movie trailer.
Two Stories of Comparison
Sophie, 16
Sophie is in secondary school and often feels insecure about her body. After scrolling Instagram, she finds herself comparing to influencers who look effortlessly perfect. She spends hours editing her selfies, hoping for likes. The dopamine rush feels good, briefly. But when the likes fade, the emptiness returns stronger. Slowly, her self-worth ties itself to appearance and online approval. Her anxiety grows.
David, 42
David works in a competitive corporate environment. Many of his university friends have already climbed higher up the career ladder, bought larger homes, or invested in businesses. On LinkedIn or at reunions, he feels the sting of comparison. Despite his kindness and steady work ethic, he overlooks his own strengths. Measured against external markers of success, he feels like a failure. His self-esteem sinks, feeding stress and low mood.
These stories might feel familiar because in some way, they’re universal.
The Pitfalls of Comparison
While comparing ourselves might seem like a natural part of life, the hidden costs add up:
Short-lived validation. External approval fades, leaving a void.
Dependence on others. Self-worth becomes a shaky house, built on other people’s opinions.
Worsening mood. Research shows repeated self-comparison is strongly linked with depression and anxiety.
It’s like chasing a horizon—you never quite arrive.
How to Break Free
So how do we step out of the trap? The key isn’t to never compare again—that’s unrealistic. Instead, it’s about building habits that anchor self-worth more firmly inside ourselves.
Reality check on social media. Remind yourself: posts are highlight reels, not full stories. Struggles and failures rarely make the feed.
Gratitude practice. Each evening, jot down three things you value about yourself or your day. Over time, this gently rewires your focus away from scarcity and toward abundance.
Limit screen time. Even short breaks from social media can lift mood. Try a weekend offline or daily limits. You’ll be surprised how quickly your mind feels lighter.
Build self-reliance. Lean into activities that bring joy and mastery—painting, running, cooking, learning a skill. Achievements rooted in personal growth create a steadier foundation for self-esteem.
Lean on trusted people. Share your thoughts with friends or family who value you for you. Connection is a powerful antidote to isolation.
The Deeper Why – Understanding the Urge
At its heart, self-comparison is about wanting to know: Do I belong? Am I good enough? Our ancestors needed this instinct for survival—it helped them stay accepted in the tribe. But in today’s world, this urge often spirals into endless striving.
Mindfulness offers another way. Buddhist psychology uses the word equanimity—the ability to meet life’s ups and downs with balance. Equanimity reminds us that praise and criticism, success and failure, are all fleeting. They don’t define our worth.
Reflective Pointers – Try This
Here are a few gentle practices you can experiment with:
Next time you notice yourself comparing, pause. Ask: What story am I telling myself right now?
Write a list of your non-material strengths—kindness, humour, creativity, resilience. Keep it close for the days you forget.
Try a brief mindfulness practice: notice your breath and silently repeat, I am enough as I am.
Taking It Forward
Breaking free from the grip of comparison is not about snapping your fingers and never doing it again. It’s about gradual shifts—building awareness, surrounding yourself with supportive people, and creating habits that nurture inner strength.
Over time, these small practices stack up. You begin to feel less tied to likes, promotions, or appearances. And more anchored in the quiet truth that you are inherently worthy—more than your achievements, more than your photos, more than your follower count.
So next time the urge to compare creeps in, take a breath. Remember: you are not behind. You are not less. You are enough.
References
Meta internal research (2021) on Instagram and teen mental health, reported by The Wall Street Journal.
Fardouly, J., et al. (2015). Social comparisons on social media: The impact of Facebook on young women’s body image concerns and mood. Body Image.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.
