Letting Go of Control: Learning to Live With Uncertainty

I’ll be honest with you—letting go of control is not something that comes easily to me. Especially in close relationships, I often catch myself wanting things to go just so. At first glance, this might seem like a strength: being organised, responsible, keeping people (and myself) safe. But to be frank, the craving for control is usually my way of managing anxiety. It’s my mind’s attempt to quiet that “what if?” voice.

And yet, here’s the problem: life is full of things we simply cannot control—loss, health, how other people behave, or even what tomorrow will bring. When we cling to control too tightly, we don’t actually make life safer. We often make it smaller.

Why We Crave Control

We all crave control sometimes—some more than others. From a psychological perspective, this isn’t about being “difficult” or “stubborn.” It’s about safety. Our brains are wired to seek predictability because it reduces anxiety. When we know what’s coming next, we feel calmer and more secure.

• The anxiety link: Research suggests that the desire to control stems from a natural human need to manage uncertainty and reduce anxiety (American Psychological Association, 2017). Anxiety thrives in the unknown. When life feels unpredictable, the nervous system goes into “red alert,” scanning for potential danger. Trying to control situations or people is one way we attempt to soothe that alarm.

• The illusion of safety: Unfortunately, control doesn’t actually remove uncertainty—it just gives us the temporary feeling of being safer. We double-check, plan, or hold tightly to rules in the hope that nothing bad will happen. But in reality, we can’t prevent many of life’s hardest challenges—illness, loss, or the choices of others.

• Learned habits: Sometimes, control-seeking is a learned response. For example, if you grew up in an environment where things felt chaotic or unpredictable, you may have developed control as a survival strategy: “If I can stay on top of everything, I’ll be safe.” That habit can persist into adulthood, even when it no longer serves us.

• Control in relationships: In close relationships, the craving for control often comes from fear of loss. If I know where my child is every minute, maybe they’ll stay safe. If I keep checking in with my partner, maybe I won’t get hurt again. But while the intention is love and protection, the impact can be tension, mistrust, or pushing others away.

The bottom line is this: control is never really about power. It’s about fear. And when we can see it that way—with compassion rather than judgement—we can start to work with it, instead of being ruled by it.

Relatable Examples: Where Control Shows Up

• A parent letting go: Imagine a parent whose child is ready to go out with friends for the first time, or walk to school alone. Every protective instinct screams “No!” But in holding on too tightly, the parent risks stifling independence. Allowing their child to become street-wise is part of loving them into adulthood.

• A partner struggling with trust: Perhaps you’ve been hurt in a past relationship. Now, when your partner goes out, you feel uneasy, maybe even suspicious. You check in more than you’d like, not because you don’t care—but because you care so much it feels risky. Yet, clinging to control here can slowly push the very person you want to feel close to away.

In both cases, control promises safety, but it undermines the deeper value: trust.

The Leap of Faith

Living without control is a leap of faith. Trusting others, and trusting life, means taking risks. Yes, there is the chance of being hurt, disappointed, or let down. But the alternative—shrinking life down to only what feels “safe”—keeps us further away from the people we want to become and the values we hold dear.

As Brené Brown (2012) puts it, “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”

Practical Strategies for Letting Go

Therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) offer useful ways to increase our tolerance of uncertainty and reduce the grip of control:

• Graded exposure to uncertainty

  • Start small: allow yourself to leave a text unanswered for a little while, or let your partner choose the restaurant without checking reviews first.

  • Build gradually toward bigger uncertainties, practicing staying with the discomfort rather than rushing to control it.

• Imagery exposure (worst-case scenario)

  • Ask yourself: What’s the worst that could happen? Then imagine it in detail.

  • Follow up with: How would I cope if that happened? This helps you discover resilience you didn’t know you had.

• Working with unhelpful thoughts

  • Notice the thought: “If I don’t control this, something bad will happen.”

  • Challenge it with: “Is that fact, or fear? What evidence do I have?”

  • Reframe: “I can’t prevent everything, but I can choose how I respond.”

• Mindfulness: sitting with the unknown

  • Practice noticing anxious thoughts without acting on them.

  • Try grounding in your breath, reminding yourself: uncertainty is part of being alive.

A Gentle Caution

Letting go of control can feel deeply uncomfortable, especially if anxiety is already overwhelming. If you notice anxiety controlling your life—keeping you from sleep, relationships, or daily functioning—know that you don’t have to face this alone. Speaking with a therapist can help you explore these patterns more deeply and find personalised strategies for relief.

Key Takeaways

• Craving control is a normal human response to anxiety, but it’s a strategy that backfires.

• Real life is uncertain—loss, health, love—all are beyond our control.

• Letting go is less about giving up and more about living fully: choosing trust, taking risks, and showing up with vulnerability.

• Small steps, compassion, and evidence-based strategies can help you grow your tolerance for uncertainty.

And remember, you don’t have to get it perfect. I certainly don’t. Letting go of control is not a one-time decision, but a practice—a practice of faith in yourself, your loved ones, and the life unfolding in front of you.

References

• American Psychological Association. (2017). Anxiety, stress, and control: The psychology of uncertainty.

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

• Ladouceur, R., Gosselin, P., & Dugas, M. J. (2000). Experimental manipulation of intolerance of uncertainty: A study of a theoretical model of worry. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 38(9), 933–941.