Asking for Help – Why Is It So Difficult?

“Do you need help?” – such a simple question, and yet one that can stir up more discomfort than we’d like to admit.

I was reminded of this recently when my husband was suffering with back pain. Seeing him struggle to put on his shoes, I asked lightly if he’d like a hand tying his laces. His response? “I’m not dying yet.”

I was left momentarily bewildered. It wasn’t just the pain speaking – it was pride, self-reliance, and the deeply human fear of being seen as needy. And it made me reflect, both as a partner and as a psychotherapist, on how difficult it is for so many of us to ask for help.

Vulnerability and Shame

Brené Brown, whose research has done so much to bring the topic of vulnerability into public conversation, describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” Asking for help places us squarely in that uncomfortable zone.

Why? Because underneath the request lies the risk of being judged, rejected, or pitied. Shame whispers: “If I need help, it means I’m weak. It means I’m not enough on my own.”

This is where the word “needy” comes into play. Somewhere along the way, “needy” became shorthand for “less than” – a negative label, particularly in Western cultures that prize independence and self-sufficiency. But to need support is to be human.

Obstacles to Asking for Help

There are many layers to why we avoid showing our needs:

• Professional identity: For those of us working in caring professions, the unspoken rule is that we’re the ones who support others. To flip that role can feel “unprofessional” or like a failure of competence.

• Cultural norms: Some cultures prize stoicism and self-reliance, others emphasise not burdening others. The act of reaching out can feel like breaking an unspoken social rule.

• Gender stereotypes: Men may be taught to “tough it out” and measure strength by how much they can carry alone. Women – or those who identify as women – often feel a counter-pressure: to prove their independence in order not to be dismissed as fragile. Regardless of gender, the message can be the same: self-reliance equals worth.

• Personal beliefs: Many of us internalise the idea that asking for help equals weakness. That it exposes us as “less capable,” whether in the workplace or at home.

• Past experiences: If you’ve asked for help before and it never came, or if your needs were dismissed, it’s only natural to stop asking. This links closely with what psychologists call an avoidant attachment style – one where relying on others feels unsafe, and independence becomes a protective armour.

My Small Lesson in Shoe Laces

Back to that moment with my husband. His words – “I’m not dying yet” – stayed with me. It struck me how hard it is for many of us to accept even small, everyday gestures of support.

As a psychotherapist, I often encourage clients to experiment with vulnerability, to take the risk of letting others in. Yet I, too, was reminded that offering help isn’t only about the act itself – it’s about what unfolds when the help is accepted. Sometimes, it can bring relief, connection, even lightness. It may be quite the opposite of what shame leads us to expect.

A Lifelong Learning

Asking for help is not a skill we master once – it’s a lifelong practice. Each request for support is a small act of courage, a reminder that we don’t have to carry it all alone.

Perhaps the antidote to shame is not just vulnerability but also self-compassion. To soften the inner critic that says, “You should be able to handle this by yourself,” and instead respond with, “It’s okay. Everyone needs help sometimes. You deserve it too.”

Maybe the real growth lies not in how much we can endure alone, but in how willing we are to reach out – and discover that being helped does not make us weaker, but more deeply connected.