Emotional Self-Regulation: Learning to Steady the Storm

Have you ever noticed yourself snapping at someone you care about, cancelling plans at the last minute, or zoning out with Netflix and snacks when life feels overwhelming? If so, you’re not alone. These are all signs of emotional dysregulation—when our feelings overwhelm our ability to cope.

Here’s the thing: no one is born knowing how to regulate emotions. Babies cry, and they need a caregiver to soothe them. As we grow, we (hopefully) learn by watching others—parents, teachers, peers. But many of us don’t get the complete set of tools. Some of us had inconsistent or stressed caregivers. Others may live with ADHD or anxiety, which makes managing feelings even trickier. The good news? Emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned, practised, and strengthened at any age.

Why Emotional Regulation Can Be Hard

Struggles with self-regulation can develop for many reasons:

• Early environment: if emotions weren’t validated or modelled, it’s harder to learn calming strategies.

• Neurodiversity: ADHD brains, for instance, often process emotions intensely and can find it hard to “put the brakes on.”

• Mental health challenges: anxiety, depression, or trauma can narrow the “window of tolerance,” making us flip quickly into stress or shutdown.

• Unhelpful coping habits: distraction, avoidance, or substances (like alcohol) may soothe in the short term but reinforce cycles of avoidance and dysregulation.

What Dysregulation Looks Like in Adults

It doesn’t always show up as dramatic outbursts. In adult life, it can be more subtle but still exhausting:

• Overthinking conversations or replaying “mistakes” at night

• Cancelling plans or freezing in social situations

• Feeling detached, zoned out, or “on autopilot”

• Using alcohol, food, or constant busyness to numb difficult emotions

From a polyvagal theory lens, this means bouncing between “fight/flight” (hyper-arousal: anxious, restless, irritable) and “shutdown” (hypo-arousal: numb, flat, disconnected). The sweet spot is the window of tolerance—where we feel grounded enough to think clearly and engage with life.

Case Story: Sam’s Social Struggles

Let’s meet Sam. He’s in his 30s, has ADHD, and works in a busy office. Sam dreads networking events. In the days leading up to one, his brain won’t switch off: “Everyone will notice how awkward I am. I’ll say something stupid.”

On the day, his heart races, hands shake, and he cancels at the last minute. At home, he avoids the discomfort with crisps and scrolling through social media. Short term, it feels like relief. Long term, it fuels guilt and loneliness.

Sam’s nervous system is leaving the window of tolerance—his body goes into “danger mode.” Because his ADHD brain struggles with impulse control and emotion regulation, avoidance feels easier than riding out the anxiety. But with support, Sam can learn healthier strategies.

Building Healthier Self-Regulation Tools

Think of self-regulation like going to the gym: the more you practise, the stronger you get. Here are a few approaches that help:

• Mindfulness & Grounding
  Bring yourself back to the present with sensory techniques. Try this: name five things you see, four you touch, three you hear, two you smell, one you taste.

• Movement & Connection
  Physical activity releases pent-up energy, while social contact soothes the nervous system. A brisk walk, a dance break, or chatting with a friend can help.

• CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
  CBT works by noticing unhelpful thoughts and gently challenging them. Sam, for example, could swap “Everyone will think I’m stupid” with “Most people feel awkward sometimes—it doesn’t mean I don’t belong.”

• Expanding the Window of Tolerance
  Learning to pause and notice when you’re tipping into overwhelm helps you choose a calming strategy before things spiral. Try this: when you notice your body tensing, place a hand on your chest, take three slow breaths, and ground your feet into the floor.

• Meaningful Activities
  Doing something that matters to you—painting, cooking, volunteering—creates a sense of stability and satisfaction that strengthens emotional balance.

Try This:

• Next time you feel anxious, ask: Am I in fight/flight, shutdown, or my calm window?

• If you tend to avoid, break things down into smaller steps—go to the event for 10 minutes instead of skipping altogether.

• Keep a “calm kit” list on your phone: grounding exercises, music, or names of supportive people to call.

When to Seek Extra Support

For some, practising alone isn’t enough—and that’s completely normal. Working with a therapist can help you unpack old habits, widen your window of tolerance, and build personalised strategies. Emotional regulation is not about never feeling upset—it’s about learning to ride the waves without getting swept under.

✨ Struggling with self-regulation isn’t a flaw—it’s part of being human. With the right tools, and sometimes a little help, we can all learn to steady the storm.